If you want your Italian grandmother to lose it on you, just tell her you're making a sandwich with your favorite condiment... Miracle Whip.
That's right, there's no fiercer debate than the one between mayonnaise and its artificial little brother, and we're coming in hard to side with the original.
There hasn't been a follow up better than the original since Ken Griffey Jr., and it sure as heck isn't Miracle Whip.
1
Nomenclature
Mayonnaise is colloquially known as “mayo,” a fun term. Miracle Whip has always been Miracle Whip, except when it’s referred to by its more accurate description, which starts with an “S” and ends with “T”.
2
Commercialization
Jars of mayonniase first became commercially available from delicatessens like Richard Hellmann’s in Philadelphia during 1907, which is adorable. Jars of Miracle Whip were presumably dropped on terrified crowds from a hot air balloon at the 1933 Chicago World’s Fair.
3
Viscosity
Mayonnaise has a higher viscosity than Miracle Whip, being thicker and more resistant to flow, making it a suitable lubricant for small engines. Miracle Whip shouldn’t even be used to grease a bike chain.
4
Global Popularity
Mayonnaise is enjoyed all over the world, with Chile of all places being the third-largest consumer in the world. Russia and Japan also top the list. Miracle Whip is mostly found in the lunches of those poor souls cleaning up Superfund sites.
5
Utility
Delicious on it own, mayonnaise also forms the base for numerous other vital condiments such as tartar sauce, remoulade, and ranch dressing, which the world now cannot live without. Miracle Whip only forms the base for ruination.
6
Variety
There are many beloved brands of mayonnaise - Hellmann’s, Dukes, and Blue Plate, to name a few. Miracle Whip is just Miracle Whip, the miserable little dressing with no friends.
7
History
Invented in France but not by the French Army, which makes it ok, mayonnaise has a long history spanning centuries. Miracle Whip was invented by the Kraft corporation in 1933, the same year as Kool cigarettes. Coincidence? No way.
8
It’s Not Even A Spread
The FDA mandates that mayonnaise contain at least 65% vegetable oil by weight, which Miracle Whip fails miserably at. Therefore, Miracle Whip is actually classified as dressing. Who in their right mind puts dressing on a sandwich? Yeah, you go right on thinking snakes are great pets, too.
9
Ingredients
While we’re on the subject, the sweet taste of Miracle Whip comes from high fructose corn syrup. So just NO, NO, NO. Other toilet Miracle Whip ingredients include soybean oil and potassium sorbate. In short, you could never make Miracle Whip at home.
10
Taste
Miracle Whip is much sweeter than mayonnaise, which has a fuller, richer taste for people who don’t hate themselves and universally eschew drip coffee, too.
